So we all know that 2020 has been a dumpster fire of a year so far. For some it has been incredibly tragic, but even for those who have not been directly impacted by things like Corona, or the cultural struggles that our country faces, having a constant barrage of fear, hostility, mis-information, and overall negativity must have an effect on our mental and physical states.
I will be completely honest. I go back and forth regarding what I believe regarding COVID-19. I go back and forth where I stand regarding our country’s cultural issues, often finding myself saying “yeah, but…”, and going back and forth trying to unravel what the real “truth” is behind what the “experts” are telling us. Do I really care about statues? Well, perhaps some, maybe. I surely care about black citizens as well as cops. Either way, people are suffering on both, or more appropriately all, sides. Then we have the constant barrage of product based marketing, over achievers posting their keys to success on LinkedIn and Pinterest, and various other messages making us feel inadequate because we are never quite finished until we get that or do that next thing in that particular way. More than that, even if I do achieve whatever it is that social media tells me will lead me to feel some form of validation, it is still not good enough unless I post a selfie while doing it or write an “article” about it.
While all of this is enough to make someone want to run for the woods and never come back, prior to COVID-19, we used to at least be able to go out and enjoy something, whatever that something was, and just get away from it all…not any more. At first, when things started lifting I felt excited that we could all start going out and living our lives again, but that was a false dream. Honestly, I have not looked forward to doing anything lately. It is not about wearing a mask that gets me down. It is just the overall state of how we are living. What is becoming depressing is the constant reminder of what life used to be: going to a restaurant and seeing half of the chairs placed on tables, tape laid out as a demarkation line for where people can “safely” stand, posters of people and kids enjoying a carefree life. What’s worse is the awkwardness of speaking to people because I do not know where they stand politically regarding the mask, and/or how they are judging me for wearing a mask.
It is hard.
On a more personal note, I lost my father this year, in July. Then two weeks later I lost another close family member. At the beginning of the year, I started building up a new team at work (which is challenging enough as it is). Conveniently I decided to do this at same exact time that our company decided to do a reorg. To add to my work time fun, immediately before the Corona pandemic, I had to let a key associate go. This position was pivotal to the success of the team and concept, and so, in order for us to succeed, I had to take on a position that I was not ready for, or had any capacity for. For the months between March and May I was working about 70 hours and oh yeah, I am still in school too. I think on average I have not gotten more than 3 hours sleep per night since January. Tonight will surely be another one. I have been moody, irritable, depressed, and just not fun to be around.
Like I said, it has been hard.
While I complain about how thing are going for me, I know that other people have it harder, much harder, but the reason that I am writing this is because I simply want to put it out there. I want to be honest and say that I am having a hard time, so that maybe others who are also having a hard time can find some comfort in that there is someone else out there struggling too.